I want to be honest in this blog….I am 47 and on my (yes) 3rd marriage. My first one was for freedom…two very naive kids playing house thinking that he was my night in shining amour. My second one was for passion….the kind of love and passion that lights you up like fireworks in the sky, but like those spectacularly brilliant fireworks they fizzle quickly.
My 3rd, well it was was pragmatic, a decision made with my mind and not so much my heart. Even though I know its been my most intelligent move, we find ourself at each others throat.
My husband and I love each other, that is never in question. But we are, like every single couple, going through a valley. This one is a dark and dismal valley. We bicker about everything, even who hung up a towel. We are basically two ten year old children sharing a room and yelling at each other “Stop looking at me” “Why are you still looking at me?”
So it got me thinking….To death do us part huh? Who’s going to die first?
Marriage is not easy by any means, it is a constant battle of wits. A balancing act, that at times feels like the act is up in the air. If you slip your going to fall 10 stories to the ground. You basically decided to share everything with this person you met – X number of minutes ago – your room, your bed, the bathroom, breathing space, everything. Sure you do it willingly and even happily but when you are walking across one of this “valleys” boy you better hold on tight. Cause the ride is a bumpy one.
My significant other and I, could not be more different if we tried. He is from a town much smaller than I am. He is introverted, I am extroverted. I love to dance. He loves to read. I love to talk and laugh and be social. He sits quietly at the table and simply listens. When I go out of town, he spends his time alone on our room in silence reading or simply sleeping. When he goes out of town, I go nuts looking for someone, anyone to talk to. I turn on every TV in the house to fill it with noise. We are so different that in the mornings I go around turning on lights and he turns them off. He says the dark is better to start the day. But with all that said. We work, somehow we meet in the middle. We have the same principles and goals by which we lead our lives. We share common ground on religious believes and politics.
Lately I have been changing. I would love to blame this valley on him but it is all me. (I did say I was going to be honest) I am bumping up against my age, my insecurities, my ever changing mood. And, again to be honest, my poor husband has taken a beating. I am not saying I am 100% at fault, he could make this easier on us, on me, but he is only 32 yrs old. How do I expect him to understand what a 47yrs feels like and a female to boot.
I want him to be soooo smart that he can leap forward and understand how scary it is when your body starts that betrayal. You know the one that you wake up one day and your bones hurt, your back aches, your heart sinks. As a woman you think, shit I am going through menopause. I remember my mom going through it and to be honest….”THAT BITCH WAS CRAZY” I don’t want to be crazy. The bitch part doesn’t bother me its the crazy. I want my body to feel the way my brain says it should feel, young, alive and well with tighter skin and perkier boobs.
Man, this blog was going to be about how marriage sucks and in the end, well, I suck. Now I have to go apologize and tell him I am a crazy, menopausal bitch. Damn it ……I hate it when I realize that I am wrong.
Well I guess I answered my own questions, in this valley I am the one dying first.