jealousHave you ever been jealous and somewhere in your deepest thoughts, you said to yourself.  “Why the hell am I feeling like this?  This is plain stupid.”

It’s no great secret that I am on my 3rd marriage and husband 1 and 2 went out cheating.  Although if you ask them, they never cheated but if you ask me they absolutely cheated.  In the end, it doesn’t matter. Like everything else in life, the fact if they did or didn’t is all about perspective.

My current husband is such a kind and decent man, he is so against cheating that even though he was in a bad marriage and when I say badly…. I mean bad, he didn’t cheat.  He waited, ended the marriage and then moved on.   I know this and still I get upset whenever he is around a woman who I know likes him or might be remotely interested in him. Funny right?

I worked with a man who I knew wanted more than a friendship and I told my husband about it and still I would get all upset when Steve got jealous or mad.  Mainly because it made me feel like he didn’t trust me.  After all I know exactly how far I am willing to go, right?  But today he told me that one of his colleagues was in town for meetings and she looks like Lisa Kudrow (good/bad not the point) what was my immediate reaction?

“If I find out anything is happening I will cut you from stem to stern”…..WHAT THE FUCK!!!

I was half kidding and half not.  I sent a funny little ninja character and left it at that.  However,  I started to think.  Why do I react that way?  Was it because I trusted my 1st & 2nd husbands with all I had and they turned on me?  Or was it because I didn’t want to love again, not really and Steve made me believe in love again.  Or was it both in some sort of mashed up sentiment.

Here is another for instance. 2 yrs. ago I broke up with my best friend…our friendship was the longest relationship I ever had.  She was 5 and I 4 when we met.  Our mothers were friends and we grew up like cousins.  And, what happened you may ask, after all we are talking about 42 yrs. of friendship.  I do not know… I don’t have a fucking clue.  All I know is that when I married Steve she said nothing about it.  Not even a single congratulations or happy face and when I called her on that she proceeded to accuse me of marrying him under false pretenses.  I was hurt and didn’t talk to her again.  She never ever asked me what the fuck?  Why are you not talking to me?  I figured we would have a conversation and I can tell her how hurt I was about her comment but it never happened and now 2 yrs. later I don’t have my best friend.  It was hurtful and very painful to lose her but much more because I don’t know what I did.

OK so fast forward to now…..In the last 2 years I have gotten really close to one of my cousins ….really close.  I dare to say I truly feel like she is a sister.  But lately I have noticed she is soooo much more into her friends.  I know she has had the same friends since high school but I am her cousin.  She barely talks to me, only once in a while.  And she will post sweet and loving statement on FB about how grateful she is to her friends for being there.  And suddenly I am 5 yrs. old.  Feeling jealous that A.  She never posts anything about me and B. Is she not grateful for our relationship?  Don’t get me wrong I know she loves me.

I have always found it funny how all my past experiences have altered my thinking and even my feeling about my present day relationships.

Jealously……..never pretty but certainly real

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