super momOk we will all agree that becoming a mom at 18 is not the ideal thing in life, but I was married and I was young and afraid of my mother and yes even God’s wrath on me if I got an abortion.  I’ll be honest I contemplated the fact, but after 2 seconds of telling my mom that I was pregnant, that idea was right out the window.  She filled me with so much fear that my husband’s opinion on the matter meant nothing to me.

Once my daughter was born and now that I look at her, I can’t even fathom the idea of not having her.  She is definitely all that is good in life, a great person all around.  Mom was right, I would see things differently once she was here.  But her methods left something to be wanted.

As the years proceeded I had 2 more girls, yes you heard me right …..ALL GIRLS.   I tell people that having all girls is like living in a perpetual soap opera.  All drama all day.

Which brings me back to the original thought of this blog……did anyone tell me what I would really feel about being a mom.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

No one told me that I would feel cheated, or exhausted, or elated, or blessed, but also feel like it is a very ungrateful job.  It is a job with the worst benefits ever, would you ever knowingly take a position that offers…..no vacation, no bonuses, loss of money, constant fear, 24 hrs. A day 7 days a week, no holidays, oh and the 1 day a year that is allotted for you, you have to cook for the first 18 yrs. because let’s face it…Kids don’t have money to take you to dinner.

OK OK….before some of you go ballistic on me.  I love my girls, OH MY GOD I love them.  They are the best thing I have ever done.  But it has been exhausting.

When I signed up to be a mom I had a partner, you know what we all call husbands.  But they both decided marriage was too much.  Sure that is my fault for the husbands I chose (we will deal with that at another time) but I was left alone to do the job, the job of 2 people.  The 2nd shift sometimes takes another person, but they have choices and we women don’t.  Let’s face it ….we don’t leave. (Again another time and place)

So with all that, yes I am exhausted.  I find myself constantly telling my girls to wait as long as they can.  I know I am pushing my own fears and exhaustion onto them.  But I know I am right, be you for as long as you can, I tell them.  Be true to yourself first.  You will be someone’s mom and wife soon enough. You have had a relationship with yourself longer than with anyone else.  Ok I got that from Sex in the City.  But it is absolutely true.  Why do we always feel that we need someone to complete us?

I am at the end of this MOM journey.  The last kid is about to leave for college and yes I know I won’t be really done.  But for the most part I am done with the day to day parenting stuff.  I am starting to analyze what have I done for them?  Is there more I can do?

I have pretty decent people as kids but I also have kids with flaws.  I see each of them clearly. Do I leave it?  Do I start to guide them to fix this?  And holy shit, DID I DO THAT?  Oh boy here is that guilt again.

I long for the days when parenting was hard because of time and effort but the kids were small and followed me around like ducklings.  I am at the point where I talk for 1 hr. to them and I know only about 15 min of the conversation made it in.  How do I pack all that I have to offer into sound bites?  OOHHH maybe a Vine….LOL…..that is all they watch.

This is hard, this is really hard.  I don’t think anything we do as a parent is fair or 100% satisfying. I think we always have something we want to change.  I wish someone could have warned me.

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