MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE

cindy

MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE……..that is a loaded sentence.  If you are a man, well, you are taken aside from childhood and taught to be strong in convictions and make your presence known.  You are taught that if you go for your dreams you are NOT selfish you are determined; a man that knows his own mind.

But if you are a woman, a Spanish woman, such as myself, that is so not the case.  I remember when I was a young girl, I would accompany my mom to her job, and she cleaned houses.  And I would dream of becoming these “corporate” women and live in NYC in an apartment all by myself.  Motherhood or what would propel me to this “corporate” level never entered my mind.  I just knew I wanted to be a force all to myself and walk the down the street to my job (also in NYC) in a power suit and sneakers.  (Got to love the 80’s)

As I grew up and became a young woman, my mothers’ ever consuming thought was of me getting married and how I was going to raise my children.  I would look at her with a blank look and a little distain.  Who was she talking to?  Who did she think I was?  I was going to be a high-powered businesswoman.

As time flew by and my dreams crushed not only by my own fears of youth but from what I now understand the subliminal messages well received from my mother and the very absent support of my father.  I didn’t go to college…guess what I did….I got married.  Not only to fulfill the wants of my very powerful mother but also to get me the hell out of dodge as they say.  A self-fulfilling prophecy of the overbearing Spanish mother.

OK….fast-forward…..30 yrs. I worked and clawed myself up in the logistics business.  My private life clawed at me and at time won but I conquered it.  I learned to bend life to my will.  I learned to make it get down on its knees until I had what I needed and or wanted.  But work…..Damn it…..not work.

I was on the fast track to getting to a position that would rock my world.  But I decided to move to California.  Not only to get a change of pace for myself but mostly to offer my kids a new life.  A life with more options and I was right.  This move personally was the best thing for the entire family.  But professionally it was the worst.  I have had to lower my salary by $15,000 – $20,000 at times to even be considered for positions.  I have lost good opportunities because of distance and the economy.

In 4 years I have worked for 4 different companies.  This is something that I personally abhor.  I like stability, I like knowing where I am going in the morning and what I am going to do all day long.

Which brings me to the biggest change I have ever made……Marriage …Funny how life never gives you hat you want but what you need

I wanted stability. peace, a husband and the life which that word offers.  But I never realized how hard it was to accept love back into your life.  I fought Steve with everything that I had.  I found absolutely ever defect you can find in a person,  I changed ever possible outter shell that I could.  From hair to eye wear to the last piece of clothing.  I even had the audacity to tell him to hand over his wallet and threw it out and bought him a more acceptable version.

In time, I saw him in a new light.  I realized what a great man he is and then began to feel an overwhelming guilt  for changing him but worse of all for not loving my husband on our wedding day.  Even thought he tells me that he knew it on that day and that he also knew I would come around and love him as deeply as he loved me.  That guilt has almost ruined me.

How did he know I would come around?  Come around?  To what, I will always be 2 steps behind him catching up and do I have to pay him back in some way.  I mean don’t get me wrong I love Steve for all he is and all he has been.  But most of all I love him for the kind, gentle man he has been.  He is absolutely all I need in this life time and the next.  I have never been cruel in my journey but I really wish he didnt know all that.

Make your dreams come true……..HHHMMMM……how that can set you up for failure.  How a simple phrase can mess you up.  Screw you CCinderella….Up yours Snow White.  Man they have set us up for failure.

OK now to snuggle up to my prince charming.  He doesn’t have either princesses but he doesn’t have the evil witch either.  He has a complex woman with inner struggles.  And yet he likes it…..he is Prince Charming and he i my dream come true.

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